He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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