They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You may now shotgun with the bride
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
