Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
