I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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