Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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