Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
honey bunches of taint.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
