Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
