yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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