Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Drake has all the answers
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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