And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
