either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
