his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize