2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
