Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
