Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
