When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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