if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
