I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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