It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
