Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
