sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
