Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There's always time for handjobs
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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