your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
