Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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