I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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