Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
