why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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