So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
