I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Girls should come with a carfax report
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
