Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you inspire me to be a worse person
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
