On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize