dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
