Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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