I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
