I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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