Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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