I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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