he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
