Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
