I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
