You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
