two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
