walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
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