i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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