last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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