you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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