I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
