if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
the day after is always just damage control
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
