He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
