I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I am naked and annoyed.
did i just pee glitter
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
