He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
