You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
