After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
