yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
