The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
