I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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