I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
