either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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