so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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