just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
you had me at cake vodka
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize