My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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