I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I want to be your penis for a week.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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