Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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