she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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