omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize